Recollections of my mother's last days

It is  almost a year and a half since our mother left us .At 82 she was active  till her last few days.My brother and family lived with her in the ancestral house in Annamanada,Thrissur District,Kerala..She was a pillar of strength and wisdom to us her three children and our families.My sister and family lived in Angamaly about 25 km. away while my husband and myself were in Mangalore, Karnataka,

We used to meet up at Amma's (mother in Malayalam language) once a month.Just three days before she took ill we had all got together.On the spur of the moment my husband and self decided to take the train home for the weekend.My sister and family too decided to join us for the weekend.We had a wonderful time at Annamanada.

When I bid Amma goodbye that evening as we left for Mangalore......little did I know that that would be the last time I would be seeing her in a conscious state.As always she was sitting there in the balcony waving goodbye to us.

Just three days later,my brother's son-in -law rang up at night to say that amma had collapsed while having her dinner and that they had taken her immediately to a hospital at Chalakudy.We were informed that she was in the I.C.U. and that she was in an unconscious state but stable.

We managed to get a train reservation for the next day's train which would reach Chalakudy by 10 p.m.  I informed my son and daughter -in-law who were based at Manila,Philippines and daughter and son-in-law who were in Chennai,TN.. Though their first instincts were to rush to be by their ammuma's bedside, I told them to  wait till I got to Chalakudy and saw how she was.

My train- Maveli Express- reached Chalakudy and I went straight to St. James Hospital where she was admitted.The I.C.U. rules do not permit visiting at such late hours ,so I could not  see her then.My brother and sis-in -law as well as sister and brother-in-law were there in the visitors  waiting room which was full of anxious relatives of the I.C.U. patients.Amma had been in an unconscious state for more than 24 hours.After various tests and scans the doctors were of the opinion that she was in a stable condition at the moment.However 

considering her age they could not say that she was out of danger yet.

Chettan(elder brother in malayalam ) had managed to rent a room on the upper floor.I decided to stay in the hospital.My sister too said she was staying as long as amma was in the hospital.As chettan and sis-in-law had been at the hospital since the previous night without any sleep,we persuaded them to go back home on the promise that we would call in case of any emergency.Since one person was required to be present at the I.C.U. waiting room at all times,my brother-in-law opted to wait there while we sisters went up to the room to try and get some rest.Hardly an hour later the ringing of the intercom phone in our room made us jump out of bed.On snatching up the receiver I heard the nurse's query if I was the relative of Ammini Amma( my mother'sname ).On affirmation I was told to reach the I.C.U. immediately.Rema(my sister ) told me to rush down while she locked up and followed. I literally flew down the steps to reach the I.C.U. On ringing the doorbell ,a nurse met me .Giving me an overall and mask to don, she directed me to the medical wing of the I.C.U. The doctor at the nursing station told me that he had been summoned to attend to amma. Her B.P. had dropped and she had had a few seizures .They had stabilized her for the time being.I was advised to  inform close relatives, as her condition was very precarious, especially so, considering her age.He then allowed me to go to her bedside.My first sight of her was heart-rending to say the least. She looked so frailsurrounded and enveloped in medical equipments.......tubes from her nostrils,oxygen mask, I.V., cardiac monitor......My heart broke to see her thus.My fiercely independent mother reduced to this ! I tried connecting to her on some level...... stroking her ever so gently through tears told her that Rema was there too and that chettan would reach soon.By then Rema was with me.After some time we were told to wait outside.

Chettan reached quickly.He had just reached home when we called him back.He came expecting the worst....that she might have gone.....but I assured him otherwise and told him to ring the bell and go see her.He too was sent out after a few minutes.After that we spent the rest of the night sitting and pacing the waiting room.The nurses were kindly and from time to time brought us news of her condition.At dawn we took turns to go up to the room freshen up and hurry back to the waiting room.

After morning rounds by the physician they let one person in to see the patient. Chettan told me to go in.So I went in to see her.She was still the same. the doctor too did not offer much hope.Once I came out, I decided to ring up my children and tell them to come if they could.They were the only grand children who were away.Both said they would come at the earliest.My daughter and her husband reached by the next day's flight.My husband who is a surgeon was in telephonic contact with the treating physician and came the next day.My son  was looking to arrange for leave and come as soon as possible.

This hospital had a system by which we could see the I.C.U.  patients through a viewing window twice a day.One wall of the visitors room was the viewing window which was covered from inside at other times.So every morning and evening for 5 minutes they allowed us to see our dear ones through this window and thrice a day one close relation is allowed into the I.C.U. to meet the patient.So our time there was spent thus.... from moment to moment.After the earlier fright we got ,we siblings decided that the three of us would  spend our time in and around the visitors room.We only went up to the room to freshen up or for our meals .When my husband came to look her up he too opted to stay at the hospital in the room upstairs.He had to go back and would visit on the weekend. During the day the grandchildren too would be there as they could then see her through the window.Amma's bed was just next to the viewing window and we used to sit just next to the window waiting and trying to will her to get well.Her progress was very slow, much too slow and  we adults were bracing ourselves to the fact that she might not make it. In my prayers I used to ask that she should not suffer.One morning when the viewing window was open it felt like she looked at us with recognition and tried to wave,The doctor said she was not conscious and it was an involuntary twitching of the muscles.Much as my mind tells me the doctor has to be right, to this day I believe that she saw us all that day and knew that we were all there.That day my husband was also there. There was an improvement in her condition in that though she was not conscious she was able to respond to motor commands like pressing down with feet or raising her feet etc...That night before he left, my husband told me that we have to wait another 36 hours at least to tell one way or the other.The next morning when the viewing window was open we saw her lying quietly. Then after about half an hour the nurses called for 2 of us to go inside the I.C.U. Chettan and myself went in .The nurse said that her condition was deteriorating.and so I got my sister too to come in. My heart went down then as I saw  the defibrillator being wheeled in.I knew then that I was saying good bye to my amma.Tears streaming down I quickly kissed her and left as we were told to wait outside.After what seemed an eternity we were told that they could not save her.

All of us were there including her grandchildren.The hospital gave us an ambulance to take her body home.By the time we reached home the main hall of the house had been made ready to lay her out.. The cremation was 

done the same afternoon.

I still miss her and find it hard to believe that she is no more.Then I take solace in the fact that she did not suffer much or linger on in that state. She would never ever have wanted that. In fact time and again she used to say that she hoped god would not make her bedridden and be dependent  on others.

So Thank You God for being kind to her.